I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize