I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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