on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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