4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
