i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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