so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
