C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
