I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
