i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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