walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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