Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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