I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
