gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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