"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
