Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
