I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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