I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
