who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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