He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
