I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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