I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
