My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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