I can't watch pbs sober anymore
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
