While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
