My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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