the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
zippers are such a cool invention
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
