This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
