I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
