he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
wow bdsm is so cute
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize