That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
