I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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