***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize