At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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