can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize