Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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