i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i dont even know how to be here
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
