my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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