the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
