just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
