Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
