I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
