my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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