I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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