do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
