I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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