someone get that fucking seahorse.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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