im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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