4 words: hood of his car
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
