My liver just broke up with me...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
