I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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