I am spending my child support on dildos
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize