Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
