atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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