Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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