good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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