i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
