Can i not drive my cunt home
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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