Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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