come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just want to make out with him forever
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
