We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
