Where did you get a picture of my penis
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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