bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
