i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize