I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
