I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize