I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
