I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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